Why Your Team Needs Reality Checks, Not Just Reassurance
As a psychologist working with CrossFit athletes and coaches, one thing is clear: most people don’t need more comfort. They need more clarity. That means feedback that’s honest, even when it stings. Many coaching teams, driven by care and community, end up prioritising affirmation over accountability. But just like athletes don’t grow by avoiding hard reps, teams don’t evolve by avoiding hard truths.
In coaching culture (especially in relational, tight-knit teams) there’s often a well-intentioned reluctance to challenge. You don’t want to offend, hurt feelings, or “kill the vibe.” But the absence of discomfort doesn’t equal psychological safety. In fact, avoiding tough feedback may quietly erode trust, performance, and team cohesion.
The challenge, then, is learning how to say what people need to hear, not just what they want to hear.
The Neuroscience of Truth-Telling
It might feel good to sugar-coat your feedback, but it’s not doing your team any favour. Neuroscience shows that feedback that challenges our self-image initially activates the same brain regions as physical pain (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). That’s why it feels so uncomfortable to receive a “reality check.”
But here’s the kicker: avoidance doesn’t protect people. It keeps them stuck.
Psychologist Tasha Eurich (2017), who studied thousands of professionals on self-awareness, found that while 95% of people think they’re self-aware, only about 10–15% actually are. Why the gap? Because most people don’t get, or don’t accept, accurate feedback. Not from themselves. Not from others.
In a CrossFit context, this could look like an underperforming coach whose teammates “don’t want to hurt their feelings,” or an athlete plateauing because no one wants to challenge their mindset. Without truthful mirrors, people stagnate. Feedback, not affirmation, is what drives growth.
Feedback Isn’t Meant to Feel Good, it’s Meant to Be Useful
There’s a difference between making people feel good and making them better. Effective teams understand this and normalise feedback as an act of respect, not rejection.
This is where Transformational Leadership Theory (Bass, 1999) offers a useful lens. Transformational leaders foster growth by challenging assumptions, setting high standards, and giving individualised, constructive feedback. It’s not about being “nice.” It’s about being invested in someone’s potential enough to speak the truth.
And this isn’t just theory. In a meta-analysis of workplace performance, Steelman & Levy (2006) found that the quality of feedback, not just frequency, was the strongest predictor of employee engagement and improvement. That means: the more specific, direct, and relevant the feedback, the more likely it is to drive behaviour change.
Good Intentions Aren’t Enough
Telling someone what they want to hear can feel kind in the short term. But in the long term, it can become a form of self-protection: not for them, but for you.
Psychologist Harriet Lerner (1997) argues that avoiding difficult feedback is often more about our own discomfort than the other person’s well-being. We fear being perceived as critical, aggressive, or unkind. But courage in communication means tolerating that discomfort in service of something bigger: honesty, growth, and integrity.
CrossFit teams who “play nice” often end up with simmering frustrations, fuzzy standards, and quiet exits. Clarity doesn’t erode culture; it creates it.
From Criticism to Commitment: How to Frame Feedback
There’s a difference between correction and connection. The key is learning to give constructive feedback with relational depth, what psychologist John Gottman (1994) might call a “soft start-up” instead of a harsh launch.
Try this:
Instead of: “You’re not doing enough.”
Try: “I noticed we’ve had some gaps in X, can we look at how we’re dividing that responsibility?”
The goal isn’t to call someone out, but to call them forward. As Patrick Lencioni (2002) notes in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, strong teams embrace accountability, not just from the top down, but peer to peer. They know that clear expectations, real-time feedback, and mutual honesty build commitment, not conflict.
Candour Is a Kindness
Honest feedback isn’t criticism. It’s connection. When offered with care and skill, it says: “I see you. I believe you can handle this. And I’m invested in your success.” That’s why Kim Scott, in her concept of Radical Candor (2017), describes the sweet spot of effective leadership as “caring personally while challenging directly.”
In the gym, that could look like telling a coach, “I have noticed you’ve been flat lately, what’s going on?” instead of silently lowering expectations. Or helping an athlete own their excuses without shame, because you want them to win.
Radical candour creates a culture where performance thrives because relationships are built on truth, not performance, not flattery, and not fear.
Choose Courage Over Comfort
If your coaching team wants to build real strength, start in your communication. Give feedback that’s honest, not filtered. Prioritise respect over reassurance. And remind each other, constantly, that discomfort is not the enemy, it’s the process.
As Brené Brown (2018) reminds us: “Integrity is choosing courage over comfort.”
And if you can deadlift above bodyweight for reps, you can handle a tough conversation.
References
Bass, B. M. (1999). Two decades of research and development in transformational leadership. European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology, 8(1), 9–32.
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead. Random House.
Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why rejection hurts: A common neural alarm system for physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294–300.
Eurich, T. (2017). Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think. Currency.
Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Simon and Schuster.
Lencioni, P. (2002). The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. Jossey-Bass.
Lerner, H. (1997). The Dance of Connection. HarperCollins.
Scott, K. (2017). Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity. St. Martin’s Press.
Steelman, L. A., & Levy, P. E. (2006). The feedback environment and its relation to performance and job satisfaction. Journal of Applied Psychology, 91(2), 331–346.